Love = Showing Up

So I work with a lot of teens and sometimes their ideas of love amuse me. When asked "What is love?" common responses include things like someone who always listens, someone who makes me feel good about myself, someone who makes me happy. These responses always make me giggle a little inside because as teens, they just don't have a clue!

I was working with a particular teen that was very upset at dad. This kid was mad because they had gotten in an argument and dad was firm and put his foot down and didn't give in to every demand this teen made. Well, obviously this meant the father did not care at all, was heartless and not to be trusted. When I asked this kid what exactly was wanted from the father the reply was I want him to listen to me. Inquiring further, we figured out listen to me really meant do what I want. Another teen that wants to be treated as an equal to the parents. I asked this kid if the father was loving. She said no because he didn't listen to her all the time. So I asked, do you love anyone. The reply of course was, "Yes." Then I asked how often she ALWAYS listened to someone. The reply of course was, "No." When called out that by her definition she didn't really love anyone either, she finally looked at me and said she wasn't sure what love is. She just knew it felt like her father didn't love her.

I initially felt great! I had caught this teen in her own web of ridiculousness. But quickly realized I was now going to have to define love, using words, words a teen would get. So, I thought back to my own life and the people I love and the people that love me. These people don't listen to me all the time, they don't always make me feel good about myself, and they don't always make me happy. They often serve the purpose of calling me on my bullshit, helping me to recognize my mistakes and that I have the strength to pick myself up, and they don't always give me what I want because that's not how the real world works. So now I had all these things I could share with this kid, but this kids a teen and as we all know, they don't make mistakes and the world works however they want it to. So instead of getting into all of this, I looked for all the common things about the people I love and the people that love me. The one thing that stood out was that when it comes down to it, those are the people that show up.

So, I looked at this teen that just told me she wasn't sure what love really meant and told her, "Love is showing up." She stared blankly for a minute but I asked her to name one thing she needed and didn't have. . . No response. I asked her to name one time her parents had missed a big occasion or forgotten something important she had on her schedule. . . No response. I asked her who made sure she had all her needs and some of her wants. . . Her parents. I asked her who made sure she got help when things weren't working. . . Her parents. I asked her who always showed up. . . Her parents.

I think that finally clicked. Teens don't like that definition because it doesn't allow them to have all they want when they want it. But I've never had anyone argue with that definition. Love = Showing up. No, not for everything, but for the big things. It means caring enough that when something really awesome happens or when the shit hits the fan, you get off the couch and show up.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

I just don't get it. I mean I do, but not really. I think today's society has lost pretty much all sense of personal responsibility. Divorce is one thing if you are being abused (I would advocate for the "Goodby Earl" or "Gunpowder & Lead" methods, but that would probably lead to more trouble than it's worth). It's also another thing if there aren't children involved. But when two people decide they are "responsible" enough to have sex and have a child, at least commit to making good life choices moving forward. This rant leads to several topics: 1) personal responsibility for your choices; 2) committing to something; 3) not letting your life choices screw up the lives of others. I am not going to discuss these in this or any particular order. I am just going to rant, and hopefully you will see where these themes come into play.

In my line of work, I see a lot of children from divorced families. Sometimes, the divorce is actually a good thing. It removes a lot of tension and stress and sometimes even gets the kids away from witnessing abuse. Those are the times I kind of get it. But then there are the times where "we grew apart" or "we just don't love each other like that anymore" come into play. Those are the ones that just make my head spin. What does that even mean anyways! No really, think about it. If you can grow apart from someone you used to love SO much you committed to marrying them, what would make a child believe you won't stop loving them one day? Parents are always griping about their children not taking responsibility for their actions but HELLO! If you choose to marry someone doesn't there need to be some responsibility for that. If you choose to have children together (and sometimes you passively choose that simply by having sex!) doesn't there need to be responsibility for that. The lack of responsiblity I see couples taking for making a relationship work blows my mind!

Speaking of making a relationship work, it is WORK! I know all the lovey-dovey fairy tale stuff sounds (and feels) really great, but there is a reason they are called fairy tales and not reality. The reality of it is you have to work to blend together two lives and two styles. And as you add children to the equation keep working to blend more lives, personalities, needs, and wants. Give and take, a balancing act. We've become such an "I" society, full of entitlement and selfishness people don't even see when their actions are hurting others. Or if they do, people are offended that others would be hurt becuase they were just doing what they needed to be happy. I italicize needed because it really means wanted. Selfishness, that should probably have been number 4 on my list in the first paragraph.

So many parents today are modeling the easy way out for their children. If it doesn't make you happy, quit it. I mean sure you could work to fix things or make them better, but really why try? No one else does. And we wonder why kids today are so messed up.

A New Day. Just Like All the Others.

Well, I decided to start blogging as a way to share with the world all the incredible stuff I see my job (and sometimes at home). I'll admit, being a child therapist, my lens is slightly (and by slightly I mean big enough for a tank to drive through) biased. Every day I leave work and share with my sister what a disaster our society has become and how messed up the children, not to mention the parents, have become. No matter my optimism, there is always another child, family, person to help. Most the time they are paying me to tell them common sense. The funny thing is that when I was trying to come up with a title for this little adventure of mine life lessons my dad taught me were all that came to mind. I decided to go for s-squared, d-squared. This was my dad's way of saying that life is basically the same shit just a different day. No matter how different or "unique" the issues are that come into my office it usually boils down to S2D2. The current goal of this blog is to vent the ridiculousness I see and if it happens to get around and makes even one parent or teen more throughtful about life, that would be cool too.

A great example of this would be some parents that were debating whether or not to disconnect the cable or keep it on. They are concerned that all their children do is watch TV. Dad was all or nothing, and mom was thinking it was a bad idea. (Mom is usually the one stuck with the kids at home.) When I asked them about just monitoring and limiting tv usage, their response was basically that they couldn't. Really, you can't tell your kid no or unplug the tv. If you tell them to stop and they keep watching there is NOTHING else you can do? Hmmmmmm, interesting.