Love = Showing Up

So I work with a lot of teens and sometimes their ideas of love amuse me. When asked "What is love?" common responses include things like someone who always listens, someone who makes me feel good about myself, someone who makes me happy. These responses always make me giggle a little inside because as teens, they just don't have a clue!

I was working with a particular teen that was very upset at dad. This kid was mad because they had gotten in an argument and dad was firm and put his foot down and didn't give in to every demand this teen made. Well, obviously this meant the father did not care at all, was heartless and not to be trusted. When I asked this kid what exactly was wanted from the father the reply was I want him to listen to me. Inquiring further, we figured out listen to me really meant do what I want. Another teen that wants to be treated as an equal to the parents. I asked this kid if the father was loving. She said no because he didn't listen to her all the time. So I asked, do you love anyone. The reply of course was, "Yes." Then I asked how often she ALWAYS listened to someone. The reply of course was, "No." When called out that by her definition she didn't really love anyone either, she finally looked at me and said she wasn't sure what love is. She just knew it felt like her father didn't love her.

I initially felt great! I had caught this teen in her own web of ridiculousness. But quickly realized I was now going to have to define love, using words, words a teen would get. So, I thought back to my own life and the people I love and the people that love me. These people don't listen to me all the time, they don't always make me feel good about myself, and they don't always make me happy. They often serve the purpose of calling me on my bullshit, helping me to recognize my mistakes and that I have the strength to pick myself up, and they don't always give me what I want because that's not how the real world works. So now I had all these things I could share with this kid, but this kids a teen and as we all know, they don't make mistakes and the world works however they want it to. So instead of getting into all of this, I looked for all the common things about the people I love and the people that love me. The one thing that stood out was that when it comes down to it, those are the people that show up.

So, I looked at this teen that just told me she wasn't sure what love really meant and told her, "Love is showing up." She stared blankly for a minute but I asked her to name one thing she needed and didn't have. . . No response. I asked her to name one time her parents had missed a big occasion or forgotten something important she had on her schedule. . . No response. I asked her who made sure she had all her needs and some of her wants. . . Her parents. I asked her who made sure she got help when things weren't working. . . Her parents. I asked her who always showed up. . . Her parents.

I think that finally clicked. Teens don't like that definition because it doesn't allow them to have all they want when they want it. But I've never had anyone argue with that definition. Love = Showing up. No, not for everything, but for the big things. It means caring enough that when something really awesome happens or when the shit hits the fan, you get off the couch and show up.